This may very well be the most personal newsletter I'll ever write. You see my birthday falls on 9/11 and for the past 8 years I've been trying to reconcile what had been a day of personal celebration with what has become a day of somber reflection.
Now it's not my intention to bring you down, but hard things happen. They're unavoidable. No amount of planning and control can fully protect any of us from experiencing personal tragedy and pain. They're just part of living in this world. So, perhaps an important question to ask is "What do you do with the hard things that happen in your life?"
Recently I've had several experiences that have led me back to that question. On a Friday night 3 weeks ago I sat silent with 1000 other people in the bleachers and prayed as a mother stood over her teenage son and watched him die on a high school football field. Two weeks ago a friend shared how he was fired from his job of 12 years, moved his family 600 miles, and has been living out of storage bins for the past year. A close friend lost half his meager retirement in the stock market melt-down last fall. And days ago another friend shared her story of watching her marriage implode and losing her job.
All of these were extremely painful things for the people involved and even for me to hear about, because if you live long enough you eventually go through the same things or darned close to them your self and I'm no spring chicken.
But these and other experiences have also pushed me to rethink my crude definitions of what Good and Bad mean in this life.
Categorizing hard experiences in terms of Good or Bad may lead you to miss the benefits of a difficult experience
On the other hand, I increasingly find that categorizing hard experiences in terms of Good or Bad may lead me to miss the benefits of a difficult experience. For example, my friend who lost his job also told me that now, and for the first time in his life, he’s in a job that’s perfectly made for him. My friend who lost his retirement has a different perspective on the meaning of "security". And my friend who lost her marriage, found (and kept) a relationship with God for the first time in her life. So, were those Bad times they went through? Painful? Yes. Difficult? Certainly. But not necessarily Bad.
A wise fellow was once heard saying “celebrate with those who celebrate and mourn with those who are mourning”. In other words, don’t rain on people’s parades and don’t try to rationalize away the pain of people who suffer - be With them where they are. I try to remember this when I'm with friends who are excited or going through hard times. Still, I personally find myself trying to look beyond how something “feels” while I’m going through it.
Increasingly I want to understand how my circumstances might change me and where I’m headed in good ways. I’m also increasingly skeptical of the excitement I feel when life meets my expectations - I’m just not a very trustworthy guide to my own best interest. Finally, I don't want to be too quick to dismiss pain and difficulty as worth-less, when they’re often more beneficial to my growth than the easy times.
Every client I meet has a story. Many have stories filled with love, laughter, and fond memories. Just as many, and sometimes the same people, have stories where they've become too familiar with hardship, difficulties, and pain. And often the events of a life have shaped how those same folks perceive themselves.
Part of my job as a career and business coach is to help people like you or your friends get a fresh perspective on who they are, what they've experienced, and what life can become. Despite our best efforts at self-help and changing our own thoughts, there are often parts of ourselves that we just can't change without the perspective of someone who can see both the "forest" of our story and the "trees" of our unique gifts. Helping someone see the full picture and then go after their possibilities is why I'm here.
As for me, 9/11 is still there. 28 hundred people died that day and and I'll probably always feel connected to that loss. "Mourn with those that mourn". But life is found among the living, and we're foolish to miss chances to celebrate with those who celebrate and dance with the dancers. I am so very blessed with family, friends, love, hope and future - so I choose to focus on those.
